The Ugly Duckling Diaries

I’m back!

Hello again everybody, I can’t believe it’s been just over a year since my last chat! To be honest this evening’s read of ‘What’s the Point’ was rather very interesting.  I mentioned above that it’s been around thirteen months since I wrote the fore mentioned ‘blog’ and I’m amazed at how my perception of life has changed. Not quite a swan, but getting there!

As you may, or may not, already know, we are expecting our second baby in July and we are ecstatic!  It’s been quite a tough journey as technically this is our fourth pregnancy.  I was unsure as to whether or not I should write about this chapter of our lives, but miscarriage happens so frequently to women and, as there is no real medical explanation for this loss, many couples are left feeling confused and isolated.  We lost two babies; one in April 2008 and the other in May 2008 and it totally sucked.  I suppose people don’t really know what to say in these situations, I mean, we were the situation and we didn’t even have a clue what to say to each other let alone anybody else!  It’s funny because when you tell friends and family, you don’t really want sympathy; I suppose I just wanted people to acknowledge that the babies were there and have a soul and should be celebrated.

At the time though I was really struggling with the reasons as to why we lost them. What was wrong with me?  Did I do something?  Couldn’t I have any more kids?   And then there’s the guilt.  Guilt for Bethany not having a sibling to play with; the feeling of letting Nicky down, the babies down… the list goes on.  Thankfully, Nicky is my soulmate and he was and still is my rock.  He is the most wonderfully pragmatic person I know and I’m lucky to have had him on my side.  We have both grieved for the loss of our babies and most of the time in our own way, but we have never stopped talking about them and I think it’s important to do that. I still light candles for them at church and I know that they are always around.

I’m 22 weeks pregnant as I’m writing this and feel majorly blessed.  After taking quite a long break from baby making we fell quite quickly and as you can imagine it’s been rather tense this time around! I do though have a child in my belly and so the only way that I can be is positive.  And I’m getting there, slowly but surely.  When I wrote ‘Whats the Point’ I think I was the one trying to pigeon hole myself, nobody else was.  I’ve learned to let my guard down, to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.  Aye ok Nicky needs clean pants, but he also needs me to be financial director, and thats cool, I can do that, because we help each other.  I’ve learned that it’s ok to be a team, that there shouldn’t be set roles – although we both know where we stand – but I’ve also learned that it’s ok to blur the lines now and again.

I know I’ve got a cheek because I haven’t been on here for a while, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned this year it’s to talk a lot and listen more! Don’t bottle it up, share and support each other.  It’s taken me a while to realise but you are the only person that can change your own attitude. Last thing at night before you fall asleep, pick out three things that made you feel good and positive about yourself that day, be it helping an old lady with her shopping or taking your make-up off before you go to bed – whatever makes you feel amazing is worth its weight in signets.